Natasha Leggero put it best in her special Live at Bimbo’s: “If you don’t have ADD right now, you’re not paying attention.”
It’s so true. We live in a constant state of overstimulation. We have computers in our pockets. We have computers on our wrists. Now they want us to wear computers on our faces. Most people say they would go back in time and kill Hitler, but I would go back in time and kill Steve Jobs. I often think about how much happier / more successful / better adjusted I would be if I grew up in a time before technology.
But here I am, a slave to the screens surrounding me. How do I cope?! Is the only solution to become a lifelong amphetamine addict? Surely, there’s something I could do to ease the brain drain without lining the pockets of big pharma.
Well, maybe there is. My friend’s therapist begins every session by asking him, “What’s on your busy mind today?” This is especially funny if you know my friend. He always enters a room like Kramer, as if he just escaped from someone chasing him with a machete. He talks at 90 miles a minute even when he’s stoned, and he rarely gets a good night sleep because the mental hamster wheel keeps on spinning.
So whenever I’m feeling similarly overstimulated, I’ll play therapist and ask myself, “What’s on my busy mind?” And I’ll list my random racing thoughts in my journal. No cohesion. No premeditation. No pressure. Just a cathartic exercise to calm me down.
In a spontaneous moment of vulnerability, I decided to share this glimpse into my psyche on Instagram. I was kind of anxious about it, but so delirious I did it anyway. I went to bed, and I woke up to a ton of positive responses! I couldn’t believe how much people resonated with the random things going through my head. It was a relief to learn I was in such good company. So I posted one again the next day. And the day after that. Every day, more and more people told me how much they appreciated them. I truly can’t believe it.
Instagram stories are only temporary, but Substack lasts forever. So here are some of my greatest hits. Maybe they’ll inspire you too.
August 20
Tried to lock up but my balls wouldn’t fit thru the cock ring
All work and no play makes me a dull boy
First day of fall weather. Feels good! Always feel like I go thru a rebirth every fall.
I know I say this every year, but I really feel like a different person!
(I also say that every year)
Work makes me want to die. Why wasn’t I born into wealth?
I need to dissociate completely
I want to fall in love?
I think I’m more afraid of success than failure
“Santeria” by Sublime slaps
Am I the only one who enjoys showtime on the subway? If drag queens started doing showtime you faggots would eat it up
What drives people? I don’t know what drives me
I want to do karaoke
“Santeria” by Sublime, “With You” by Jessica Simpson, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Maybe “Suerte” by Shakira (Spanish “Whenever, Wherever”) if I can nail all the words
August 22
There are five grocery stores within five blocks of my apartment and not one of them has chicken nuggets
But they all have vegan chicken nuggets
Never trust a straight male barber
I can’t stop talking to myself this morning. Guess I should’ve gone out last night…
Getting ready to go to the eye doctor. The last eye doctor I went to was a carbon copy of the soft-spoken rabbi from Seinfeld.
Although behind a closed door I heard him yelling at someone (prob his wife) on the phone. Then when the door opened he went right back to monotone.
Can rabbis get married?
I hope I get a free pair of glasses!
What is the theme song from Daria called? I like it
I used to hate Diet Coke. Then I watched Delta Work’s Diet Coke taste test and now I can’t stop drinking it.
I printed a proof of my next book!
I have nothing to prove. I exist and that’s more than enough.
In-unit laundry would be cool, but I enjoy going to the laundromat
I don’t need a dishwasher
August 23
Ugh, so apparently I went to the wrong eye doctor. Instead of an optometrist, I went to an ophthalmologist. Apparently there’s a huge difference.
I said I wanted to check my prescription, and she said, “Oh, I don’t do prescriptions. But if you can still see it’s probably fine.”
Now I have an appointment next week with the Seinfeld rabbi
Why do I lack motivation? Is it because life has been too easy for me? Is it because I’m addicted to my phone? Is it because I’m eating too much gluten?
I really am addicted to my phone. It’s a problem. I found a support group but the meetings are all virtual…
I need to smoke weed/do ket every day to feel normal
My mind just naturally races to the point that I’m in outer space
People keep trying to make plans with me and then ghosting
I’m hungry. What should I eat? Popcorn?
I have a bunch of clothes I’m trying to sell because my chest has gotten too big
Is a red wine supernova similar to a champagne supernova?
I am more convinced than ever that JLo killed Selena
Suerte is one of my fav karaoke songs!!!! And yeah honestly, JLo is directly connected to every insidious person in the music industry. Even if only due to her egomania, the people are finally realizing that she must be stopped.